Wanderlust
by WhatComesFromWithin
Summary: A songfic about Nico di Angelo. This is about how Nico feels about his sister leaving, his self-hatred, his love for Percy, and his need to find something that he knows is missing in his life.


**A/N: Hey! I'm back! Here's a one-shot about Nico. This was something that I've been wanting to write for a long time, so I'm glad that I've finally been able to put it out. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the story line. Events in this fan fiction are based off of canon events. All rights regarding the story go to Rick Riordan. This is described as a songfic because it is highly recommended that you listen to Lauren Aquilina's song "Wanderlust" while reading this.**

Nico couldn't believe it! He was at a place where people like him would be safe- he had _told_ Bianca that the monsters were real! She hadn't believed him, but then Percy showed up when Dr. Thorn turned into a manticore, and Percy had defeated him! Manticores had 3,000 attack power and +5 saving throws, so Nico figured Percy must have at _least_ 3,600 attack power, and maybe extra defenses, too. Bianca had been forced to believe him once Percy whipped out his magic bronze sword, which- so cool!- turned into a _pen_! Nico thought it would have turned into something bigger, like a baseball cap, or something, but a pen was even cooler. Pens were easily concealed, and Percy had said that his sword/pen returned to his pocket magically. A baseball cap couldn't do that.

Camp Half-Blood was awesome. But Nico couldn't help but worry a little bit at what that Hunter girl- was her name Zoë?- had said: _There is another option for girls._ What did that mean? Nico wasn't a girl, but Bianca was...Nico pushed the thought aside. He and Bianca were a team, she had said so herself. Nothing could break the two of them apart.

* * *

Nico frowned. His sister was hanging out with those Hunters a _lot_. He knew he shouldn't be jealous; Bianca had spent a lot of time with him over the years, after all. But he couldn't help but feel disappointed whenever she told him she couldn't come to the archery range with him, or she couldn't watch him climb the climbing wall. It had real lava- who wouldn't want to try to climb it? But she didn't even want to watch her little brother climb it. And Nico knew Bianca. She would want to make sure he was safe. But all she did was tell him to stick close to Connor and Travis. And in the short time he had known them, he had figured out that they were _not_ the kind of people Bianca usually wanted to watch him. Nico had gone to find Charles Beckendorf, and he had helped Nico with the harness for new campers, and had even given him advice to help him climb it without getting severely burned. Beckendorf had told him he did an amazing job for his first try. Nico had been really excited, but he still wanted Bianca to be there to see his accomplishment.

Later that day he had seen her on the climbing wall with Zoë and Phoebe.

* * *

Nico was talking with Silena Beauregard.

"Silena, who do you think my dad is?"

She studied him for a minute. "Hmmm. I'm not sure Nico. But whoever it is, I'm sure you'll make them proud."

Bianca's voice interrupted them. "Um, Nico? I need to talk to you,"

Nico turned around to see his big sister, a grin on his face. "Bianca! I haven't seen you in _forever_!"

SIlena stood up. "I have to go round up my cabin mates for lunch. Bye, Nico,"

At the time, Nico hadn't realised the reason why Silena looked sad and angry, why she didn't say goodbye to Bianca, too. He enthusiastically said, "Bye, Silena!" as she walked away.

Bianca looked down at him. "Let's walk for a bit, okay?"

Nico smiled at her. "Okay! Have you seen Zeus' Fist? I can show you!" He stood up quickly and began to walk with her.

Bianca shook her head. "No, let's just go to the edge of the forest."

"But-"

"No but's, Nico. C'mon," Disappointed, he followed her.

They reached the edge of the forest and Bianca turned to face him. "Nico, I know this is going to be hard for you, but I _need_ to do this, okay? I need to live my own life, not our life."

Nico furrowed his brow in confusion. "What?"

Bianca took a deep breath, and her coffee eyes looked him straight in his obsidian ones. "Nico, I joined the Hunters,"

Nico's eyes widened. " _What_? But what about Camp Half-Blood? Percy says it's the safest place in the world for demigods, and we're demigods. We'll be safe here, Bianca!"

Bianca was shaking her head firmly. "No, _you'll_ be safe here. This is a safe place for you, Nico, but I'll be safe with the Hunters, too. I need to start living my own life, and as hard as it might be for you to understand, Nico, my life can't revolve around taking care of you. The Hunters of Artemis are a girls-only group. I'm leaving when the Hunters leave. You will stay here. Chiron will take care of you," She started talking faster, as if afraid he would interrupt her. But she needn't have worried. Nico was too shocked to say anything. "And Percy, and Thalia, Connor and Travis, Beckendorf, and lots of other people will be here to help you. But I need to do this, okay? I know you don't understand, but I can't take care of you my whole life, Nico, I-"

"You're running away from me."

Bianca stared at him. Then she hung her head and whispered so softly he had to strain his ears to hear her. "Yes, I am."

* * *

Nico ran back to the Hermes Cabin. For once, it was empty. He sat down on his sleeping bag, pulled his knees to his chest, and rested his head on them. He allowed himself to cry.

How could Bianca leave him? She was the one who told him they would always, _always_ be together. She said nothing would tear them apart, ever. But now she was leaving him, doing exactly what she said she'd never do. Had he done something wrong? Maybe she had grown sick of his questions. Bianca had told him before that they got annoying. He wouldn't ask her a single question ever again if it meant she would stay. He knew it would be really hard, but he'd do it.

But she said that she didn't want to take care of him anymore. Nico figured he _must_ have done something wrong if Bianca didn't want to take care of him. He didn't even need much taking care of; he was ten! He could do lots of stuff on his own. So if Bianca didn't even want to take care of him a little bit...then he did something that made her not want to anymore. If only he knew what it was. Bianca had even said she was running away from him. Fresh tears spilled down his olive cheeks at the thought. Well, if Bianca didn't want to be around him, then he shouldn't try to stop her. He didn't want to make her hate him, too. Nico wouldn't try to make her stay. Besides, she would still visit when the Hunters came to Camp Half-Blood. It wasn't like he would never see her again. And Grover said something about the Hunters being immortal. That was cool. If this was Mythomagic, maybe Bianca would get a higher attack power now, or even +7 if she used her bow. Maybe immortality would give her extra defenses, too.

If this was Mythomagic, Nico knew that Bianca would have been the most valuable card in his deck. Maybe not in anyone else's, but in his.

* * *

Nico was shuffling through his Mythomagic cards when he heard Zoë's voice. He didn't know why, but instinct told him to hide. He quickly pressed himself against the side of the Big House porch, trying to cover himself with the shadows there. Nico didn't know why, but whenever he tried to conceal himself with shadows, no one could see him. He had accidently scared Bianca multiple times that way. Nico strained to hear what was being said on the porch.

"This quest will be dangerous," Zoë whispered to the person with her. _Quest_? Nico thought.

"I know," the other person said. Nico froze. _Bianca. Bianca was going on a quest._

"It's only right for me to warn thee," Zoë said. "Some do not return from quests. In fact, one person almost _always_ doesn't return. But I chose thee because I can tell we need thee on this quest. Thine spirit is strong; thou might change the tables during this quest. It is imperative we get our Lady back. Without her, monsters would kill many, many demigods. The upcoming war would already be lost."

"I understand," Bianca whispered back. "What...what about my brother? Will he be safe here?"

Zoë sounded frustrated when she responded. "Yes, Chiron is quite good at keeping these demigods safe. As long as Nico stays here, he should be fine. But Bianca, thou can't let thine life revolve around him. Thou swore off _all_ boys, remember?"

Bianca responded quickly. "Yes, of course. I just want to make sure that he'll be safe one last time. After I return from this quest, I'm leaving with the Hunters. Nico doesn't know it, but I probably won't see him again after that. I'm hoping that while I'm on this quest, he'll learn to cope without me. Then my leaving for good won't affect him as much."

Nico felt tears streaming down his cheeks. Bianca really _was_ leaving him. She didn't even want to see him again. He would say goodbye to her after her quest, and then he would _never see his sister again._ Then something Zoë said made its way to the front of his mind. _Some do not return from quests._ What if...what if Bianca _died_? Then he wouldn't even get to say goodbye to her that one last time. Nico wasn't stupid; he knew Bianca wouldn't be able to survive on that quest alone. She just wasn't experienced enough to defend herself properly yet. If she had had more training, then he had no doubt in his mind that she would have been powerful. But he knew Bianca. He knew she wouldn't really want to hurt anyone. Even if Bianca didn't love him that much anymore, Nico loved _her_. He couldn't let her die. Besides, maybe when she came back from the quest and saw how good Nico was doing, she wouldn't want to leave him behind. If she showed him that he was as strong as Percy, than she would want to keep him around. Everyone wanted Percy around.

 _Percy_. He would be able to protect Bianca! Nico had never met anyone stronger or braver than Percy. Besides, Nico knew that Percy really wanted to go on that quest. He would gladly agree to protect Bianca. Percy Jackson was Mythomagic come to life. How could he possibly fail?

A plan in mind, Nico crept away from the Big House and ran off to find the greatest hero ever, Percy Jackson.

* * *

Nico watched from Half-Blood Hill as his sister left on her quest. He knew that this is what she wanted, and he would respect that. He wanted Bianca to do what would make her happy. Saying goodbye had been hard, especially when Bianca had tried to make it as brief as she had, but Nico knew that Percy would protect her. He had _promised_. Nico knew that he wouldn't break that promise. He could _feel_ it.

Nico really liked Percy. He was brave, strong, and fiercely loyal. Nico remembered the way Percy had looked when Annabeth fell over the cliff. He had looked terrified and desperate, like he was seconds away from throwing _himself_ over that cliff. Nico also recalled how persistent Percy had been about joining the quest so he could help Annabeth. Nico felt his stomach twist at the thought. He wished Percy would look at _him_ like that. But that was how Percy looked at Annabeth. Like he loved her.

Realization dawned on Nico. Percy _loved_ Annabeth. That's how he felt about her. But...that was how Nico wanted Percy to feel about him. Annabeth was a girl. Nico was a boy. Percy was a boy. Nico wanted a boy to love _him_.

Nico quickly shoved those thoughts to the back of his mind. When Bianca came back, he would ask her what to do. He knew that he wasn't supposed to like Percy as much as he did. Biana always knew what to do. She would help Nico. Maybe she would even stay if she knew Nico needed to be fixed. Bianca surely wouldn't want anyone else to know, so she would fix him herself. Nico just had to keep quiet about this until she returned. But the more Nico thought about Percy, the more certain of his feelings he felt.

Bianca couldn't come back fast enough.

* * *

 _She was dead._

Percy had promised him that he would keep her safe. Nico felt so _angry_. He had been lied to. He was supposed to see his sister again, but that was ripped away from him. The only family he had left, gone, and he didn't even get to say goodbye properly. She died trying to get away from him. Nico loved Bianca so much. He felt like he was being stabbed again, and again, and again, with no time to catch his breath. She was gone, and there was nothing he could do.

And then those skeletons had come, and Percy had looked ready. Percy Jackson, the _hero_ , had looked like he was prepared to die. And that made Nico madder, because from what Percy had told him, Bianca had been ready to die, too.

He looked at the figurine clutched in his hand. Hades. 4,000 attack power, 5,000 if your opponent attacks first. One of the most powerful cards in the game, rivaled only by Zeus and Poseidon. God of the Underworld, Lord of the Dead. His father.

There had been no hiding from it- when he had opened up the ground in the dining pavilion, the truth was undeniable. No one else at camp could do that. No one else could hide in shadows like he could. Percy had been scared when he opened up the ground, Nico could tell. It broke his heart. Percy was afraid of what he could do. And honestly, so was Nico. For the first time in his life he had no one to guide him, no hand to hold. Bianca had been his light, and she was extinguished. So he had run. He didn't know what else to do. Nico didn't want everyone else at Camp Half-Blood to look at him like that. He didn't want people to be as afraid of him as he was of himself. If the brave Percy Jackson was scared of his powers, everyone else would be terrified.

Nico was afraid of his powers, too. He didn't know all that he could do, and he didn't know how to control what he did know. Chiron said some demigods died from overusing their powers. What if he accidently overused his?

But Nico had run away from camp for another reason. After everything that Percy had done, Nico still couldn't let those skeletons hurt him. He still wanted Percy to hold him in his arms and whisper reassurances to him. He was scared of what he felt, so he ran away from Percy.

Nico had been running around in the dark for hours, thinking over his options. Suddenly, the temperature dropped a few degrees. Looking up he saw...a ghost.

The ghost drifted closer to him and held out a hand. "I'm Minos. Come with me, Nico. I can help you get your sister back."

Nico didn't need to hear anything else. He needed his sister. He needed her more now than he ever had before. He stood up and pulled his aviator jacket tighter around himself.

Looking at Minos, he said hoarsely, "Tell me what I need to do."

* * *

Nico watched the person he simultaneously hated and loved. Percy was fighting in the Battle of Manhattan. Kronos' army was strong, and Nico knew that the demigods would be overrun soon if reinforcements didn't come, especially since Clarisse was being so stubborn- refusing to fight in the war over a _chariot,_ of all the stupid things. But Hades was just as stubborn. And he didn't want to help his family. Nico had tried everything he could think of. He had even tried insulting his father's pride by telling him he was acting like a demigod, but that didn't work either. Nico wanted to help Percy so badly, but nothing he tried was working, and Percy didn't trust him like he used to anymore.

Now Nico was stuck watching the Battle of Manhattan unfold scene by scene through Hephaestus TV.

Nico sucked in a breath when he saw Ethan Nakamura raise a poisoned knife to stab Percy. Then Nico remembered that Percy had bathed in the River Styx and the knife wouldn't hurt him unless it hit his Achilles' spot.

Then Annabeth stepped in between Percy and the knife. She was stabbed, and Percy whipped around, just barely managing to catch her before she fell to the ground. The look on Percy's face was one of pure anguish and anger. He yelled, " _Nobody touches her!"_

The pain Nico felt in his chest became more painful. His heart always ached, but it had been a throbbing pain before. Now it felt like fire was pulsating through his veins. Nico didn't know why he still had hope that Percy would get over Annabeth. It was so _obvious_ that they loved each other. But he couldn't stop himself from hoping that one day, he'd have a chance. But that was impossible. Percy was straight, and Nico was...illegal. Broken. A freak of nature.

Despite it all, Nico couldn't stop himself from trying to help Percy in any way he could. And right now, that was by convincing his father to join the fray. He just hoped he wouldn't be too late.

Right before Nico headed back to the throne room to try again, he saw a blonde haired boy riding on a motorcycle behind Percy. As he left, he couldn't help but wish that was him.

* * *

Campers were cheering, but Nico felt like crying. Percy and Annabeth had just been thrown in the canoe lake. Nico knew they would be down there for a long time, Percy being the son of Poseidon, and he supposed that was a good thing. He could try to get his feelings contained again. Now that Percy and Annabeth were officially a couple, maybe it would be easier for his heart to give up on the handsome hero.

But it wasn't. Nico still loved Percy, and he knew he would do anything to get Percy to love him back. And he was disgusted with himself because he loved the person who was responsible for his beloved sister's death. Sure, he was indirectly responsible, but he was the one who let her die to save the quest. Wasn't Percy always complaining about how the gods made demigods die to preserve them? Bianca died so he and the other quest members could live, and Percy knew she would die. Hypocrite.

Nico didn't understand how he could try so _hard_ to suppress his (illegal) feelings, but to no effect. He'd done everything he could think of: distancing himself from Percy, trying hard not to think about him, even trying to find girls attractive enough for him to get over Percy. But nothing he did worked. How could one guy consume all his thoughts, influence all his actions? Why did Perseus Jackson control his life?

Nico didn't like it. It scared him, how much he cared for the son of Poseidon. He didn't want his life to be controlled by emotions he wasn't even supposed to have. Nico knew he was broken, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out how to fix himself.

The war had, admittedly, provided a brief distraction. Many demigods died. Silena, for one. Nico remembered her. She had welcomed him when he first came to camp with open arms. He had liked her- she answered his questions and helped him out whenever she could. He suspected she had even made time for him on occasion. Then his thoughts darkened. That was before she knew he was a son of Hades. What would she think of him now? When she found out about his parentage, was she revolted? Did she regret ever helping him? Nico didn't blame her if she did. He knew enough to know that people were shocked and horrified to find out. No one had tried finding him, after all. A son of Hades just wasn't worth it. But even that knowledge didn't stop him from hoping that one day, someone would love him again. Bianca had left him, and Percy would never love him, no matter what he did. Everyone else was dead. Surely there was someone out there for him, right? Unless...he was simply unlovable. And sadly, that was seeming truer and truer every day. Nico was doomed to always be second in everyone's mind, if he was there at all.

* * *

Nico stared as the one he cared for most was plunged into Tartarus. The worst part was, Percy didn't have to fall. He could have let go of Annabeth, but instead he held onto her. Stupid Percy. Stupid feelings. Stupid love.

Nico slowly retracted his arm. He knew what awaited them down there. He had seen it all, had witnessed all the horrors, had lived through the tortures that hellish place had to offer. Could Percy and Annabeth stay sane? True, they would see a watered down version, but that didn't mean that it still wasn't a nightmare.

Tartarus brought back ugly memories. Ridicule at the hands of monsters, suffocating in a _small_ jar, pain so intense he couldn't feel it, and the memories. In a way, they were the worst. Scenes from his life replaying in his mind in such clarity it felt like he was living them all over again. But the memories had been twisted and tampered with. Sharp words that had been thrown his way turned sharper, uneasy looks became ones of pure disgust. Enemies became more powerful, and Nico slowly lost control of past events. He hadn't been able to discern reality from warped memories. Misery and near madness had descended upon him.

Misery. Akhlys.

Nico remembered how he had stood in front of her, Gaea's army of monsters behind him, watching his humiliation. He was battered and broken, unable to stand anymore physical injuries. So they didn't hurt him physically. No, they poked and prodded at his mind, tried to break his spirit. Akhlys had laughed upon seeing his damaged state. Giggling, she had practically skipped over to him. As Nico hung his head in defeat, she had twirled bony fingers in his dark hair, saying, "Child of Hades, what more could I do to you? You are perfect! So much sorrow and pain!" Her fingers had stroked his cheeks, as if in comfort, but the gesture was anything but a solace for Nico. If anything, it only pained him more. She tilted his chin up until his empty eyes were staring into her sadistically pleased ones, a sorrow as old as the earth echoing in their depths. Nico had felt so much despair and agony in that single moment, but it had never truly left him. He still felt the effects, was still crushed by the suffering inflicted on him.

And now Percy was down there. With Annabeth Chase. His girlfriend. His _love_.

Percy had prioritised Annabeth, and when he did so he didn't stop to think about anyone else. In Percy's world, it was only him and Annabeth. Annabeth and Percy.

Two halves to make a whole. Two sides of the same coin. Two separated hearts joined together.

Nico felt worthless. No one had ever looked at him the way Percy looked at Annabeth. Was it wrong to crave that? Yes. Yes, it was. Boys weren't supposed to want that from other boys. Percy had that with a girl. Nico should want that with a girl. Nico wasn't supposed to love another guy. It was evil. A sin. Disgusting.

There was more than one type of monster in the world. No one could know. Ever.

* * *

If possible, things were worse after Percy returned from Tartarus. Annabeth and Percy were nearly inseparable after they came back from the pit. The two we never farther than a couple feet away from each other. The result? Nico had to watch the boy he loved love someone else in casual touches and protective stances, sharp words and fierce glares. He knew that if he stayed around, he wouldn't be able to bear it. Jason knew the truth now, too, and Nico didn't want him to confront him about it again. He didn't have the strength to deny it any more, especially since Jason knew.

Nico grit his teeth at the memory. Jason Grace, the most perfect hero _ever_ , had seen him at his weakest moment. Oh, the humiliation. While Jason hadn't outright rejected him, Nico was still wary of talking to him about it, especially since he wanted Nico to _tell_ people. Didn't Jason know what happened to people like him? They were killed, or put in prison, if they were lucky. It ruined the lives of those punished, and the lives of their family and friends. Not that Nico had any friends or family whose lives he could ruin. Jason had insisted that things were different now, but the world never changed completely. Nico had already been rejected by people he knew and had cared about. He didn't want complete strangers to reject him, too.

So, in a desperate attempt to save himself some pain by avoiding Percy, he had volunteered to take the Athena Parthenos around the world. And, sure, the driving factor had been that he was the only one who really _could_ do it. No one seemed to stop to think that Nico would have his own personal reasons for taking on the impossible quest. But maybe this was his chance to prove that he was just as good as any other demigod, despite his...sexual orientation. He wanted to prove to everyone- to _himself_ \- that he wasn't diseased or broken. Someone who was sick wouldn't be able to complete such a difficult task. So he had to do this. To prove that he belonged.

So he and Percy had to take different paths. Nico had spent so much time trying to follow Percy on his road to gain his attention, but now they had come to a fork, and Nico was purposefully choosing the path that would take him off of Percy's. Percy had never wanted to go anywhere with Nico next to him. He wanted Annabeth to take him to his final destination. So Nico stepped away from Percy. And this time, he was going to walk his own road with no regrets. None at all. Besides, didn't people say something about being alone making you stronger?

Nico smirked to himself. If that was true, then he was the strongest person in the world.

* * *

Nico sat on a grassy hill below the Argo II. He had one knee pulled up against his chest, and his arms were crossed on top of it. There was a slight chill in the evening air, but his aviator jacket blocked out the majority of it. As Nico gazed at the sun's rays as they bled into the stars, he pondered his life.

He didn't do this very often, despite the amount of time he spent everyday just _thinking_. He tried to occupy his mind with other things- Kronos, Minos, Gaea, Hazel, Reyna, Coach Hedge, Percy, Jason, and everyone else on the Argo II. But he thought about them as people, not the effect they had had on his life. With Percy, he thought of the future. Nico did his best not to focus too much on his past, but it was hard. People always said that you're past didn't define you, but was that true? Nico thought his past had defined him as a person.

But today he decided to let himself get lost in his memories. Many brought despair and self-loathing, but if he went back far enough, he was able to find some that made him feel warm inside. Happy. Hopeful.

Soon he would embark on the quest to take the Athena Parthenos to Camp Half-Blood. This quest could change his life. Nico was desperate to find something, anything, that would make his life worth living. If he didn't find it on this quest, he vowed to himself, then he would travel the world to find it. Nico was missing something important, and he wouldn't stop until he found it.

He was willing to go anywhere, to do anything. So he would say his goodbyes. But then he would be gone.

Nico di Angelo swore he would find what made living being alive.

 **A/N: Thank you for reading!**


End file.
